Analysis of After Action Report #Ea-CBo-0315R

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Analysis of After Action Report #Ea-CBo-0315R

Post by MidgetNinja on Thu Feb 24, 2011 5:11 am

Presented for the Circle's consideration the following is an unaltered excerpt from an after action report penned by our own Arch Inquisitor Vander detailing the execution and aftermath of a massed arrest of the leadership caste of the local guilds of Bordaeux, and the subsequent discoveries he made upon searching the lower levels of their safe house. At this juncture I'd like to extend my apologies for the informality in which Vander writes his reports, I've confronted him about this, but he has gone to no small length express his distaste for the quote "dry, tasteless, and boringly dreary task of simply regurgitating the facts onto paper." Given his record and his results I've chosen to overlook it thus far, though after reviewing this if your Lordships would like to request he be formally disciplined then it shall be done at your discretion.
~ Lord Inquisitor Greax


It is a deeply gratifying thing to see the fruits of one's labors reap such a plentiful harvest the likes of which I witnessed the night in question.

After months of undercover work, establishing my alias as a Guild Boss [By the name of Gregor Xex, for those of you interested in the logistical nightmare of pulling off this little bait and switch operation, I refer you to subsection 47B of the Inquisitions Budget Reports, and yes this operation covers the ENTIRE subsection...in hindsight completely worth it.] and respectable member of the magical underworld of Bordaeux the good keepers of that sad little hill had finally deemed 'me' worthy enough to include in their exclusive little circle.

I think I might have been more honored if shaking their hands didn't fill me with the desperate need to wash...

As it were one of the higher bosses had called a meeting upon the night in question, supposedly a first step towards an ultimate goal of uniting the guilds against the Conclave [Ultimately proving our suspicions that the guilds WERE plotting to organize against us, hence Arch Inquisitor Vander's involvement in the first place]. All the heads of all the guilds in the city were to be in attendance, and lucky me my invite had not gotten lost in the mail, in fact they had been kind enough to include a basic layout of the meeting place with the invitation.

It's almost like they wanted me to arrest them...

At any rate I had arrived fashionably late as usual, my trusted Blade Captain Marcus positioning the troops seemingly haphazardly about the three story building, that records show belonged to the niece of the local steward [We're looking into a possible connection, but so far nothing concrete has surfaced]. Records also showed a weak point in the walls in the back room the meeting in question was supposed to take part in. They also indicated the building in question was supposed to be filled with coal not rogue mages, but I think that was just a clerical error.

My men stood poised, disguised as derelicts and other such bystanders, awaiting my signal I entered the meeting room escorted by two of my adepts, and Inquisitor Mellie Anasta.

At this stage I would like the records to show that Inquisitor Mellie is a lovely lovely young woman...but isn't much for pillow talk [He's joking here...or at least I sincerely hope he's joking]. Once more I'd like to make clear that just because an Inquisitor works under you...does not mean she is your subordinate, and I was very thoroughly, and repeatedly,[Joking I assure you] made aware of this by the good Inquisitor.

Joking aside, [Easing my fears of the above...somewhat] the fact of the matter is, I would like to formally commend each of them for going beyond the call of duty by joining me into that building, as there was every chance that once we stepped inside we would never step out.

But of course fate was kinder to us than that, we were quietly escorted to the back room. As the leader of our fictional guild I was allowed a seat at the table, while my associates were made to stand some ways back and attempted to look intimidating. I say attempt for the sake of my adepts who looked the part if only slightly a little in over their heads, though their comparatively weak performance was more than compensated by the presence of Mellie, who is always very intimidating...well, almost always anyway. [At this stage the joke has worn somewhat noticeably thin, but the worst is over at the least]

I was seated for but a few short seconds of idle chatter, before my gathered 'associates' gradually fell to a hush as our host rose to his feet to address his gathered peers...

What followed was one of the most mind numbingly, god awful, mentally and spiritually draining points in my career as the standing guild master in question fell into an 'impassioned' speech of overtly dramatic, derivative, and just plain disgustingly self-righteous vigor, during the course of which he felt the need to dredge up and hit upon seemingly EVERY SINGLE LITTLE 'the conclave is bad, blah blah blah, injustices, blah blah blah, tyranny, blah blah blah, FREEDOM!!!' cliches, that I was almost certain he was deliberately carrying on as such in an attempt to goad any conclave spies out into the open.

[Which, as it turns out, wasn't that bad an idea.]

After three and a half hours of this 'no end in sight prattle' on the subject of 'why I think the Conclave is bad, and several other things you didn't need me to tell you' even the man's sympathizers were looking visibly weary of this, and I...well I was just done with this entirely.

And so I quite abruptly rose to my feet, indignantly cutting my host off before he fell into another tirade on the evils of myself and my superiors, whom I actually quite like all things considered, [I'll admit to a genuine moment of appreciation at that, later tempered somewhat by the fact that Vander knew I would be reading this] all eyes on the table fell on me at that, some surprisingly grateful for the interruption, though noticeably less so in the next few minutes...

"Gentlemen," I said, as I cast my gaze about the room, making sure all attention was on me, "I know their is great passion in this room, but we must remember that we came here for a reason..." Mellie got the message at that, stealthily and silently weaving a spell as I continued holding their attention in the palm of my hand.

"...unity in the face of the Conclave, mutual strength in our shared brotherhood, a united front against tryanny in the hopes of freedom...," it wasn't until later, under the persistent teasing of Mellie, that I realized I had started doing it too, though to be fiar I was mostly just stalling, and my cliche-ridden speech was much, much shorter.

"Unfortunately..." I said, ending my drivel as I sensed Mellie complete her spell, a small smile coming to my face as I rather flamboyantly stepped up atop the table, "...this goal...this ideal, is just not something I can allow to pass."

I almost felt the sudden shift in the room at that line, a few of the mages lining the walls already half casting spells that were already far too late.

"Now tell me brother," ventured our host, looking at me as ungraciously as ever for stealing his spotlight and subverting his plan, "Why exactly is that..."

My smile grew even wider at that, I do so rarely get such good setups you see...

"Well you see brother," I said, not even bothering to hide the spell as I swiftly cast it, all eyes in the room staring unblinkingly at me, "I'm afraid I never properly introduced myself too any of you..."

I pulled my hood back that, reveling my face, but more importantly revealing the unmistakable medallion of the Inquisition that hung at my neck, "My name is Arch Inquisitor Vander of the Conclave, and you are all under arrest..."

[Upon my first reading of this article I was under the impression that the good Arch Inquistor had heavily embellished this event for the sake of dramatic affect, but upon cross-referencing Inquisitor Mellie's report of the incident, I found that every last bit of it was true. Initially I considered reprimanding Vander for seemingly endangering the mission with his bravado, but upon reflection I realized that in this case it was best to leave well enough alone.]

My spell went off at that, bright powerfully blinding light filling the room for an instant, my unique disposition [Vander is a blind Savant you see, in fact this move is quite typical of him, barring the overtly dramatic opening of course] rendering the flash of light ineffectual, and leaving me in a prime position to begin more permanently dispatching my targets...

Half a second before Mellie's spell triggered, encasing a section of wall in solid ice a second before our back up broke through the now fragile barrier, soldiers and blades stormed the room, all manner of mana restrictive bindings in tow.

From there it was a fairly standard clean up Op. Inquisitors Dolf and Hugo performed a sweep of the building, securing the few stragglers and locating magical objects of value, as I had a few of the lesser bosses subjected to level one mind wipes and released back into the wild. Fed them a false memory along the lines of 'it was a setup' and 'everyone killed each other' and 'trust no one' while also seeing to it that my alias remained intact lest I have need of it in the future, essentially solving any future problems with Bordaeux for quite some time.

And then, as we were finishing up our sweep of the basement, while partially packing up to make ourselves scarce, we found...it...

It, being a hidden door, something almost tragically nondescript in a Guild hideout, but certainly much more ominous sounding when referred too as 'it.' [At this point I must admit that I briefly entertained the notion of destroying the report and having Vander subjected to a level 5 mind wipe and reassigned to rune maintenance for the rest of his life. I let the thought linger long enough to bring a smile to my face before I continued reading]

Of course, what we had initially thought to be nothing more than a hidden weapons cache, or more probably a lesser magic items vault turned, out to be something much more interesting. Stairs, dark and awash with a foreboding aura that was almost palatable, leading down...through a layer of solid bedrock.

Now rock is hard to cut, even given the proper tools it's difficult to get anything other than the most basic shape out, and even thqn it's usually rough cut and ALWAYS coarse to the touch.

I tell you this so you'll understand how I knew no man built these stairs...

They were too perfect...too straight, too smooth, too even...Hell even the MANA about the stairs looked more...ordered somehow.

That, and the hidden door meant two things. One, the stairs predated the city of Bordaeux, possibly even the Great War, though I had the vaguest notion that what I was looking at was much older then even that. Two, and the much more horrific notion, the Guilds squatting in this warehouse had been down there, messing with gods only know how many things that were better left alone and forgotten.

I had to assume there was a threat, my position did not afford me any other luxury.

Unfortunately the Guildmaster hosting us was being many things, none of which were particularly helpful. He was possibly still a bit peeved at me for interrupting him earlier, or having him arrested I wasn't sure...

Regardless, we had a deadline that was fast approaching, and we could not risk the guilds knowing of our presence here by lingering, putting all our local operations in jeopardy.

I ran through our options quickly, and decided on the only real course of action we had.

We were going to have to go down and do some poking around of our own. Thus resolved I gathered a small team for the task, Inquisitors Mellie and Dolf, as well as three of my own Blades, headed by Captain Marcus.

The Blades were there partially to escort our reluctant guide, the Guildmaster being insurance against whatever traps might lay in wait down there, and partially to bring their massive rune swords to bare on whatever nasty thing was lurking about down in the dark.

Inquisitor Dolf, by his own admission more of a 'Desk Inquisitor' than anything else, was there for his keen intellect and analytical mind.

Inquisitor Mellie was chosen partially because she so forcibly volunteered, partially because I liked the thought of having another combat-experience Inquisitor watching my back, and partially because it would probably be awfully dreary looking down there; Mellie's presence would go a long way towards counteracting that.

[At this point I feel compelled to request the council consider redesigning the standard female field uniform, as Vander is not the only Inquisitor who has expressed his...appreciation of it, though he has been the most verbal about it. That said a balance should be sought after lest we encourage an open revolt. I also would like to point out the irony of a blind man seemingly so absorbed with aesthetics, although seeing as we still don't fully understand the exact nature of Vander's, 'sight,' and that of others like him. I suppose it's just a matter of perspective.]

The group chosen, I left very specific orders with Inquisitor Hugo: if our Blades should happen to die on us, he was to bring the building down on top of the door, inform the local government that a state of emergency had been declared under my authority, and contact the Conclave immediately for support.

[Inquisitor Hugo's report was somewhat more enlightening with regards to the specificity of Vander's orders. Apparently the Arch Inquisitor named the branch of the Conclave he wanted reached, name dropping both the Darius Project, and The Vigil. How the Inquisitor came to be aware of both these classification designate Black organizations, a level of security clearance he shouldn't even be aware of, is...actually more interesting then disturbing to myself personally, but I'll leave my final evaluation to the end of this Analysis]

My bases covered as well as they could be, I gathered my intrepid group and ventured down into the dark.

I'm not entirely sure how long we walked, but it was no inconsiderable length of time, a half an hour or more is my tentative guess, though Inquisitor Dolf was kind enough to inform me he estimated we were at least a thousand feet beneath the surface...about a moment before we stumbled upon the bottom of those steps.

A vast chamber stretched out before us, so expansive the scale and scope of it is hard to describe on paper, doorways and pathways twisted and wound about the place dizzyingly and seemingly in defiance of gravity, though all seemingly with an absurd sort of abstract order to it...

It was big, too big for us, but I couldn't turn back just yet without at least some sense of what we had stumbled upon.

So Inquisitor Dolf proved his worth, noting the direction with the heaviest foot traffic [Proving Vander's suspicions that the Guild had been spending no small amount of time down there.] and leading the way, the Blades almost dragging the Guild leader alongside him as he actively and unimaginatively cursed us, reminding me rather exasperatedly of the dramatic waxing I had endured while under my disguise.

And then quite suddenly, he stopped, seemingly accepting his fate, as he graciously got to his feet and fell into step with his magic-proof escorts. It struck me as somewhat odd at the time, but I was a little too overwhelmed to connect any manner of dots.

A light had appeared in the direction Dolf was leading us, outlining a door carved into the rock wall. Whatever the Guild had been doing down here, their work had been centralized in this location.

I had the Guild Master open the door; no sense sticking our neck out when other more expendable necks were quite readily available. The door led to a sizable room, twice as long as it was wide. There were a multitude of tables there, by the look of them I would guess the guild had set them up. Papers notes and other such informative objects covered them alongside books, beakers, and all manner of arcane looking items.

None of which we were taking note of, because we were all very focused on the far side of the room. An elaborate wall of binding had been setup around a raised dais set against the far wall. Atop the dais sit an orb slightly larger than a grapefruit, a residual glow hanging about it.

And yet still none of us were paying any attention to that because we were too busy taking in the large, roughly 8 foot, horned, vaguely humanoid...thing [Implying that while Vander knew of the Darius Project, and the Vigil, he did not exactly know what they were for] fervently pacing back and forth along the edge of his prison, glaring at us with the darkest look of pure...Hate I had ever seen.

That must have been the moment the idiot was waiting for, elbowing his way clear of the distracted Blades, racing to the barrier he had no doubt been the one to set up. The Blades were right on him, but he managed to release the seal before they could get him back under control...

Fortunately the beast he unleashed was kind enough to finish him off for us.

The Blades were quick to react to this new turn of events, pulling their rune swords free and staying firmly between us and whatever that thing was. I'll probably just refer to it as 'It' hence forth.

It barked at the Blades in something that might have been a language, power swelling outwards, as a crude but powerful bolt of mana slammed into the Blades...to a noticeably muted affected. They barely shrugged where I suspect normally they would have exploded into a fountain of gore.

It snarled, a curse I'm sure this time, but took the failure of its....spell(?), in stride, roaring painfully and charging into the three of our body guards. Wearing some kind of Fel rune armor but otherwise unarmed, I was confident enough in Captain Marcus's capabilities, that I felt no intervention on our part was necessary. We'd probably just make things worse with the Blades nullifying our spells as easily as Its.

Unfortunately, It proved to be a very formidable close-range opponent indeed, and it's armor proved quite...durable. The rune weapons of the Blades could only nick and scrap against it, which was disturbing enough in and of itself, but when the bastard knocked one of them clear across the length of the room [The exact dimensions of which, as well as the specifics of 'It' so called, can be found in Inquistor Dolf's report, which is in general much more detailed, but presented in a much less interesting manner.] I knew we were not leaving with getting our hands dirty.

Needless to say It was very strong, and very fast, dispatching one and then another Blade, relieving the latter of his weapon before sending him crashing into the wall behind him. Captain Marcus, I'm proud to say, proved a more worthy adversary, sticking with It unrelentingly, matching it rune sword for rune sword, dancing about each other in an intricate and impressive display of swordsmanship.

But this was more then just a battle of swords, and it appeared that Marcus alone was not sufficient enough to withstand Its foul sorcery, as It bark another word and a massive bolt of mana slammed into Marcus and sent him to land in a crumpled heap next to the first Blade. [Seemingly supporting the theory that the nullifying effect of the Blades stacks when more then one are in close proximity to each other]

And so it was down to us, which I was semi thankful for as Mellie did not seem keen on waiting much longer for her turn.

She spoke a single word, the temperature of the room dropped dramatically, and an icy wind slammed into It. A delaying tactic, effective enough for her to cast her next spell: which sent a flurry of icicles flying towards It.

It barked again, casting another arcane spell. Before it the frozen winds faltered, and the icicles shattered in a single mana bolt that was continuing unabated towards us.

I moved fastest, raising a barrier between us and him that halted the spell, though not without noticeable affect to my person [Read: Winded, though I'm willing to mostly attribute that to surprise at the sheer force of the spell, than the actual pain it caused according to Inquisitor Mellie's report]. I took a moment to gather myself and weigh our situation. The Blades were out of the equation for now: Marcus seemed to be slowly rousing himself, but he wasn't going to be in a position to aid us until we were well and thoroughly dead. Inquisitor Dolf seemed to be...either frozen in shock/horror or in some kind of trance; I didn't have time to check, but either way he was definitely not helping.

It truly was down to me and Mellie, though judging by her expression I'd say she was realizing that we might have bitten off more then we could chew, as It marched inevitably onward slowly and resolute, Its calm controlled pace at odds with that chaotic amount of rage on Its face.

Retreat seemed like the best option, but our guide was in several pieces behind It, and I didn't want to get lost down in this labyrinth with It hunting us down, or worse give It a chance to get to the surface. Or worse then that even, have to explain to my superiors how an eight-foot monster-man popped up in the middle of a densely populated area during one of my investigations, gods above if there is a Hell, it's sitting in before a council of inquiry and explaining your actions over and over and over and over for eons and eons and eons...

Suffice to say death was a much more pleasurable alternative to me at least, and resolved as such I freed my sword from it's sheath. A Tryvoldian job, I'm not quite sure of the weapon's name, I never did understand that habit of Tryvoldian smiths, but the sword had served my purposes quite thoroughly. Though with rare exception those purposes mostly included making me look fancy Captain Marcus assured me the Blade would prove quite admirable in combat.

And the fact that I actually knew what I was doing with my ceremonial sabre, as opposed to most other Arch Inquistors, I was fairly confident in my current plan of 'don't die.' [He's actually being uncharacteristically modest here. I can safely say that Vander is one of the finest swordsmen I've seen that wasn't wearing a black cloak. No doubt attributed to his principle 'Sharpen the mind, hone the body'].

I tell you this to explain my next course of action, in hopes of escaping the dreaded Inquiry board [An endeavor that tragically proved fruitless]: sword drawn, I charged quite dramatically into the fray head on.

We needed two things now: time and a winning strategy. With what we had right now we could not hope for the latter, but I believed I could supply the former and maybe come up with a plan while I was at it.

As the distance between us closed rapidly, just outside of It's range I spoke a word and a bright flash exploded in It's face, buying just enough time to lance out with my sabre.

With my smaller more nimble blade I found the weak point the Blades missed, drawing blood as I sliced an opening along It's shoulder. Said wound closed shortly after that, but at least it kept me humble. I ducked a blow meant to bisect me, side-stepped another meant to knock me into the far wall. It was ungodly fast, and I firmly believe it was only my nature that allowed me to predict It's movements as I did.

I wish...I wish I had the words to describe what I saw with my eyes as they are...

It...It was...beautiful in a way, breathtaking, and at the same time, horrible to behold. If I wasn't so concerned about my life and limb at the time, I would have taken a much closer look at Its structure.

Thankfully what I did see was enough for that plan I was working on to gain some ground.

The thing, IT, wasn't really there...which is to say It wasn't there in the physical sense of the word. No from what I saw, 'It' couldn't even be classified as fully corporeal. It seemed to be bound by the basic laws of corporal beings but...and I'm only drawing conclusions from half-glimpses at it's structure during a few VERY frantic seconds...

It seemed to me at least half of It was comprised solely of mana, like the physical living embodiment of a cast spell.

So desperate and reckless as I was, I decided to try something. Dodging another blow by leaping back and rolling clear of It, I concentrated and on the spot applied a quick and admittedly crudely put together 'Scrambling Field' [No doubt drawing from Master Maglor's theories and lectures on the subject of mana scrambling, though how Vander managed to do it in the field at the drop of a hat is beyond myself. I've ordered him to write a thesis about it, and I've already regulated a portion of the Research circle to the study and the field applications of such a spell] about the blade of my weapon.

I had a moment to consider my next move before It was upon me again, faster this time, slicing and swinging Its blade all around me as I ducked, blocked, and generally evaded death by the narrowest margins, slowly wearing me down.

I knew at that point I was only going to get one shot, and when I saw my opening I took it side-stepping another attack and lancing inside Its guard, I swung my sword and landed a blow beneath Its chest armor, scouring a wound at Its hip.

This time it stayed open.

I allowed myself a moment of gratification at the sight of Its blood, before I realized I had just spent a moment I could not afford. A sword the blow coming towards my neck almost in slow motion. As you can imagine, the fact that I was at least going to die with a smile on my face was little comfort to me.

Which was why it was such an immense relief when arm of the demon, and indeed most of Its left side was suddenly encased in a large chunk of ice, freezing the death blow an uncomfortable six inches from myself...

Unfortunately I failed to notice the free hand of It, as it smashed into my midsection.

Normally that would have sufficed, but drawing blood from it as I did, I was hardly surprised when I felt a mana bolt formed in that hand, and even less surprised when it exploded into my chest point blank, throwing me into the same wall Marcus and his fellow Blade were currently all manner of slumped against.

I attribute the fact that the bolt didn't just tear me to pieces on the spot to the tri-layered rune chest mail I've taken to wearing in the field. Didn't stop me from fracturing a rib I found out later, but at the time I barely felt it, though at that point I had been knocked so hard I felt entirely removed from the events playing out before me.

Watching Mellie standing there, flinging a concentrated cone of winter tundra at It. Staring as It broke the ice binding it's left side, and waded through the blizzard in it's path. Noticing Marcus shakily getting to his feet, looking worse then I felt, but eager to get another chance at It, it seemed.

I must have been staring at Marcus for when I looked back It had broken through Mellie's spell, back handing her as she half way encased her fists in ice [Inquisitor Mellie's report indicate her plan was to continue the fight in a, quote, 'ice fist to sword manner,' end quote, to what affect I am unsure but Mellie was always a more 'hit first and have someone else ask the messy stain questions later' type.] to land in crumpled pile next to me. I checked her pulse as Dolf found enough of a spine to make his own stand, calling all manner of power to him, controlled but only barely so. His fear and inexperience probably getting the better of him. It seemed he had taken that into consideration, as he unleashed a potent, but ultimately simple, wall of sheer force into It.

He must have taken It by surprise, as It slammed into the wall to Its left. A brief moment of elation crossed Dolf's features that died swiftly as It regained Its feet, and began that same horrible trot towards Dolf's person.

To his credit Dolf did not back down, channeling even more mana to both his hands, words of power spilling from his lips and echoing across the chamber as he unleashed another continuous wave of pure force into It.

It's advance was checked...

And then It took a step, sweat forming on Dolf's brow as his chanting faltered...

It took another step, growling out in it's own foul language, a spell meeting Dolf's and forcing it back, sweat pouring now as he renewed his chanting and focused the whole of his being into keeping that monster back as It took another step, and another, and another.

I'm not sure when I decided to join the fray, but I suddenly found myself at Dolf's side, It looming over both of us barely outside of Its reach.

My chanting joined Dolf's, my right hand, the hand I could move, raising alongside his and together we made our stand.

Glorious as that sounds, Dolf was already spent, and honestly I hand no business on my feet. With my half-assed assistance we bought maybe 5 seconds between us before Its spell overpowered ours, and Dolf was thrown clear out of the room. I, being only grazed by said spell, landed on my stomach in the door way. Somehow still conscious I was granted a front room and noticeably seat to one of the bravest things I had ever seen.

Marcus had regained his feet...

He squared off against It. In his hands he held no less than two Rune swords, idly twirling each gauging their weight, as he glared at It with a level of intensity the likes of which I have never seen and doubt I will ever see again.

It countered with Its own boundless rage.

Now Marcus was a tough soldier; I had once seen him fight for five hours with one arm and three arrows in him, but he still hadn't quite shaken off the impact of hitting that wall.

It, on the other hand, proved itself stronger, and faster, then no less then three Blades not but a few short minutes ago. But our struggles to hold the creature fast had clearly winded It, and I could tell struggling with both me and Dolf had taken its toll.

Once more, Marcus was a master dualist of well-renown. In fact, the only reason he stopped carrying two swords with him was because it made things too easy for him...Well, that, and he felt carrying two swords broke that whole 'uniform' effect the Blades have going for them. I guess it's a soldier thing, but that's besides the point.

That point being...our situation no longer seemed quite so hopeless.

I must have been holding my breath at some point, as I distinctly recall exhaling deeply as they made their move simultaneously.


Last edited by MidgetNinja on Tue Sep 20, 2011 5:40 am; edited 10 times in total

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Re: Analysis of After Action Report #Ea-CBo-0315R

Post by MidgetNinja on Thu Feb 24, 2011 5:12 am

Unfinished, I'll get the rest up later, right now I need to catch up on some snoozen...

Let me know what you guys think thus far.

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Re: Analysis of After Action Report #Ea-CBo-0315R

Post by Admin on Fri Mar 11, 2011 12:52 am

Woooo. Alright. I just got done reading through the whole thing. Majorly entertaining, I love the story you put together here. I decided I'd go ahead with posting revisions I found as I read along. I regret this now, because 99% of my time was spent doing revisions instead of actually enjoying reading it. The problem is is that my mind automatically does the revisions when I read, so if it's not correct I get bothered with all of the errors regardless. This is sort of why I have to be so spelling/grammar Nazi all the time.

Also, since this got formatted wrong when I copy-pasted it from notepad, I had to REVISE THESE REVISIONS. I believe this is three hours now that I've spent reading/editing/re-editing this story. Blegh...

So, here are the revisions I recommend. They are all in order, so you can just follow them down.


done at your discretion
No punctuation

the like of which
I think it should be "likes", but I'm not sure if it's fine this way.

to massive organize against us
"massively", or just dropping "massive" would work better.

It's almost like they wanted me to arrest me...
You mean "arrest them"?

steward[We're
Needs a space since that's how you do it elsewhere.

My men poised, disguised as derelicts and other such bystanders, awaiting my signal I entered
Sounds better as "awaited my signal as I entered"

a lovely lovely young women
"woman"

repeatedly,[Joking I assure you]
Needs a space

Joking aside,
Since he says this eventually, and this is supposed to be a document, you may want to put [s]strikouts[/s] through the "He's joking, at least I hope" bits. That's more of a flavor issue than anything else though.

[Easy my fears of the above...somewhat]
"Easing", perhaps? Also needs a space right after.

there were every chance that once he
"was", and shouldn't "he" be "I"?

kinder to us then that,
"than"

some ways back and attempt to
"attempted"

was more then compensated
"than"

numbingly good awful mentally
"god"

question feel into an
"fell"

self righteous vigor
"self-righteous"

...unity in the face of conclave,
"of the Conclave,"

though to be far I
"fair"

cliche ridden
"cliche-ridden"

much much
"much, much"

A almost felt the sudden shift in the room at that line
"I almost felt"

spot light
"spotlight"
In retrospect, I actually think this is a fine term even in our setting. For dramatic effect, I'm sure certain courts have sun-lights placed such that speakers are more illuminated than the area around them.

reveling my face
"revealing"

reveling the unmistakable
"revealing"

baring the overtly dramatic opening of course]rendering
"barring"
Also needs a space.

their it was
"there"

level one mind wipes and released back into the wild.
We have that?

'it was a step up'
"setup" or "set-up"

my alias remained intact least I have use of it in the future,
Sounds better (and makes more sense) as "intact lest I have need of it in the future,"

certainly much ominous
"more" or "much more"

'it.'[At this point I must admit that I briefly entertained the notion of destroying the report and having Vander subjected to a level 5 mind wipe
Needs a space, and also about the mind-wiping-ness.

his life, I let
Works better as "his life. I let"

magic items vault turned
"vault, turned"

anything other then the most
"than"

more, ordered, somehow.
Works better as "more... ordered, somehow" or just drop the first comma.

not of which
"none"

helpful, he
Works better as "helpful. He"

earlier, and then
No comma.

We were going to have to go down and do some poking around of our own, thus resolved I
"of our own. Thus resolved, I"

own Blades,
If you're going to capitalize Blades here, which I think you should, make sure you capitalize them elsewhere.

Desk Inquisitor then anything
"than"

was their for
"there"

another combat experience Inquisitor
"combat-experienced"

there and Mellie's presence
Works better as "there; Mellie's presence"
Although this isn't necessary, the
original version is a bit wordy.

after least we
"lest"

nature of Vander's, and others like him, 'sight'
Works better as "nature of Vander's 'sight', and the sight of others like him,"

The group chosen I left
"chosen, I"

Hugo, if
"Hugo: if"

name dropping both the Darius Project, and The Vigil.
Those sound like badass black ops. I want to know more.

half an hour probably more
Works better as "half an hour or more"

so expansive the scale and scope of it
"expansive is the" works better.

doorways pathways
One or the other, or "doorways and pathways"

and feel into
"fell"

magic proof
"magic-proof"

down here their
"down here, their"

open the door, no
Works better as "open the door; no"

sticking our neck
Works better as "sticking our neck out"

The door lead
"led"

set them up, papers notes and other
Works better as "set them up. Papers, notes, and other"

larger then a
"than"

still none of it were
"still none of us were"

to setup.
"to set up."

this new turn,
"this new turn of events" you mean?

us and, whatever
Drop the comma.

thing was I'll
"thing was. I'll"

refer to it as It
" 'It' "

It, barked
"It barked"

failure of It's
"Its"

Captain Marcus' capabilities
"Marcus's"

necessary, we'd
Either "necessary. We'd" or "necessary; we'd"

It's
"Its"

Unfortunately, It,
"Unfortunately, It"

close range
"close-range"

and it's armor quite
"and it's armor was quite" or "and it's armor proved quite"

was no sufficient
"not"

withstand It's foul
"Its"

another word a
"another word and a"

slamming
"slammed"

sending
"sent"

She spoke a single word, and the temperature of the room dropped dramatically, an icy wind slammed into It.
"She spoke a single word, the temperature
of the room dropped dramatically, and an
icy wind slammed into It."

next spell, sending a flurry
"next spell: to send a flurry"

barked again casting
"barked again, casting"

spell, before
Works better as "spell. Before"

person[Read:
Needs a space

spell, then
"than"

for now, Marcus
Either "for now: Marcus" or "for now, as Marcus"

himself but he
"himself, but he"

trance I didn't
Works better as "trance; I didn't"

more then we
"than"

It's calm
"Its"

It's face.
"Its"

It haunting us
You mean "hunting"?

Or worse then that even,
"Or even worse than that,"
You never want to start a sentence with a conjunction, but I feel that because this is informal writing it passes fine in speech.

eight foot monster man
"eight-foot monster-man"

investigations, gods above
"investigations; gods above"

it's scarab
"its"
Also, scarab? Like the beetle? Don't you mean "sheath"?

A Tryvoldian job, I'm not quite sure of the Blade's name, never did understand that habit of Tryvoldian's, but it had served my purposes quite thoroughly, though with rare exception those purposes mostly included making me look fancy Captain Marcus assured me the Blade would prove quite admirable in combat.
This is wordy and confusing as all hell...
By "Blade's name", do you mean his
blade's name, or one of the Blades' names? I would suggest breaking this down into multiple sentences to get the meaning through.

ceremonial saber
I think it's "sabre", though I could be wrong.

Inquistors[He's
Needs a space

here, I
"here. I"

finest swordsman
"swordsmen"

Cloak.
Does this need to be capitalized?

fruitless] Sword drawn, a
Works better as "fruitless]: sword drawn, I"

now, time
"now: time"

former, and
"former and"

it's
"Its"

and bright
"and a bright"

It's face
"Its"

It's shoulder.
"Its"

It closed shortly
To avoid confusion, I recommend "The wound closed shortly"

I wasn't optimistic enough to get my hopes up just yet.
That phrase seems oxymoronic. Not getting your hopes up would be optimistic, unless you mean he already had really low expectations to begin with. In that case, what you put doesn't say that right.

I ducked a blow meant bisect me, side stepped another meant to knock me into the far wall
"I ducked under a blow meant to bisect me and side-stepped another meant to knock me into the far wall."

it's movements
"Its"

behold, if
Works better as "behold. If"

time I would
"time, I would"

it's structure.
"Its"

is too say
"to"

No from what I saw,
"No, "

it's laws
"Its"

half glimpses
"half-glimpses"

frantic seconds.
I think because the sentence after this is a continuation on this thought, this should end in "seconds..." or a comma and then the next sentence put at the end. I think the three periods works best though (even though you overuse them so much).

It, was
"It was"

concentrated, and
Drop the comma.

Field'[No
Needs a space.

Scrambling
Does this need to be capitalized?

myself, I've
Works better as "myself. I've"
On the topic of mana scrambling, that's pretty much what defensive Arcane Magic (non-elemental) is. It's a counter-spell designed just to cause mutual-feedback between the offensive and defensive spells and break them apart. That said, a field is a bit different.

it's blade
"Its"

me, as I
Drop the comma.

I took it, side stepping another attack and lancing inside it's guard I swung my sword and landed a blow beneath it's chest armor, scouring a wound at it's hip.
"I took it: side-stepping another attack and lancing inside Its guard, I swung my sword and landed a blow beneath Its chest armor, scouring a wound at Its hip."

And this time it stayed open.
Since it's incorrect to start with conjunctions, this works better just dropping it and capitalizing "this".

it's blood, before
"Its blood before"

A sword the blow coming towards my neck almost in slow motion.
I think you mean "I saw the blow coming towards my neck, almost in slow motion."

it's left side
"Its left side,"

a comfort six
"comfortable"

from it
"It"

Mellie, flinging a concentrated cone of winter tundra at It, as It broke the ice binding it's left side, and waded through the blizzard in it's path, Marcus shakily getting to his feet, looking worse then I felt, but eager to get another chance at It, it seemed.
I think this should be rewritten with more of an "I saw" sort of thing. Right now it's all sorts of grammatical nightmare.

And Dolf, finding a spine,
That's not even relevant until the sentence after. I suggest rewriting the sentence this is in and just writing the spine part in the other sentence.

I checked her pulse as Dolf made his stand, calling all manner of power to him, controlled but only barely so, his fear and inexperience probably getting the better of him, but it seemed he had taken that into consideration, as he unleashed a potent, but ultimately simple, wall of sheer force into It.
I want to say this is a run-on sentence, but I think it's grammatically correct. That said, for the love of god, rewrite the damn thing and split it into multiple sentences. The comma nightmare destroys my eyes.

it's left
"Its"

It's feet, and
"Its feet and"

It's advance
"Its"

it's own
"Its"

sweat beading on the Inquisitor's brow
You may want to put "pouring" instead of "beading" or just remove this sentence, because you already have "sweat formed on Dolf's brow" just above this.

as it took
"It"

out side
"oustide"

half assed
"half-assed"

It's spell
"Its"

over powered
"overpowered"

ours, Dolf
"ours, and Dolf"

on me stomach
Unless Vander is a blind pirate, I think you mean "my"

still conscious I
"still conscious, I"

Squared off against It, in his hands he held no less then two Rune swords, idly twirling each, as his eyes focused slowly on It with a level of intensity I the like of which I have never seen before, and I doubt I will see ever again.
I recommend
"He squared off against It. In his hands he held no less than two Rune swords, idly twirling each, glaring at It with a level of intensity the likes of which I have never seen and doubt I will ever see again."
The 'no less than two' bit is somewhat funny.

it's own
"Its"

soldier, I
Works better as "soldier; I"

stronger, and faster, then no less then three Blades
"strong and faster than no less than three Blades"

it's toll.
"its"

was a well renown master of duel wielding swords.
I recommend "was a master dualist of well-renown."

In fact the
"In fact, the"

Well that, and
"Well, that, and"

them, I
"them. I"
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Re: Analysis of After Action Report #Ea-CBo-0315R

Post by MidgetNinja on Fri Mar 11, 2011 2:55 am

Shocked

Well...shite I didn't know it was that bad...

Also it's still got a bit left too it, but I appreciate the editing Sir, I'll get right on those revisions.

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Re: Analysis of After Action Report #Ea-CBo-0315R

Post by Admin on Fri Mar 11, 2011 3:11 am

Most of it is just simple corrections, a slight error on word choice or wrong punctuation. Don't worry about it, it's still good.
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Re: Analysis of After Action Report #Ea-CBo-0315R

Post by CromTheConqueror on Sun Mar 20, 2011 1:48 pm

I agree with Chaos. A lot of fun to read but definitely had enough errors that it interrupted the flow of reading. I understand though that as the writer it is easy to miss those easy ones because you know what it is supposed to say and your mind tricks you into thinking you did write that. It’s the reason people have editors. I also liked the realism with the Inquisitors being unable to cast because the Blade’s nullification field applied to them too. Also props for mixing in Bordeaux. Is this an official lore story or just fun? If it is a lore story, I had a couple of questions for recton purposes though.
1. The apparent ease people cast spells (I sort of thought that would be harder).
2. Blind Savant. (What is this?)
3. Mind wiping (Right now we have no system for this).
4. Background information on all of these rune swords and what that means (I kind of thought runes were more about magic but it seems like they are just sharp and durable).
5. Proliferation of other gods (how much do people know about Gods?)

Finally, Chaos would these be better served in the Insight to such stories. I thought its purposes was to make a thread where we critique the stories instead of putting them on the original story post?

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Re: Analysis of After Action Report #Ea-CBo-0315R

Post by Admin on Sun Mar 20, 2011 3:50 pm

CromTheConqueror wrote:
1. The apparent ease people cast spells (I sort of thought that would be harder).

I feel like the character-author glossed over it because it's a simple issue to regard for them.


2. Blind Savant. (What is this?)

Read the new magic system. I've implemented a concept known as the "Sense", and savants are those that have that to a full degree. For the inquisitor here, he can't see anything visually, but he can 'see' mana. His sense of sight has been removed completely and changed into being sensitive to mana.


3. Mind wiping (Right now we have no system for this).

Yep.


4. Background information on all of these rune swords and what that means (I kind of thought runes were more about magic but it seems like they are just sharp and durable).

They probably have some inherent properties, like never dulling (metal rune), and stuff like that.


5. Proliferation of other gods (how much do people know about Gods?)

Depends on the god/religion.


Finally, Chaos would these be better served in the Insight to such stories. I thought its purposes was to make a thread where we critique the stories instead of putting them on the original story post?

<.<...
>.>...
Maybe...
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Re: Analysis of After Action Report #Ea-CBo-0315R

Post by MidgetNinja on Mon Mar 21, 2011 12:22 am

I like to think of it as part sorta for fun lore story, if you get my meaning.

Sort've a first hand look at the inner workings of the Inquisition, with jelly filling.

In regards to your concerns, I agree with pretty much everything Chaos said, but with a few things I'd like to tack on.

1) Mind Wiping I had figured out rather profoundly at one point, though I've sense forgotten the exact mechanics behind it. I do remember developing a sort of classification system for the different levels of the spell which I kind of hit on in the story, but didn't get too deep into.

2) Rune Swords, I figured would be spell, but not spell enough to warrant any particular amount of attention in an after action report (Especially in the decidedly nonstandard format of this particular report).

3) I'm not sure what made your broach the subject of the 'Proliferation of gods', could perhaps clarify what you were trying to ask?

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Re: Analysis of After Action Report #Ea-CBo-0315R

Post by MidgetNinja on Thu May 26, 2011 4:40 am

Okay Minor Update including all editing suggested by Chaos and a little line at the end to show progress...

now I must sleep...

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